I like to race independent of attention and sans support, but also alongside a teammate, so that it can be about the teammate and not myself. This isn’t because I’m afraid to declare a goal or that I’m afraid of failing, rather, because I don’t need confirmation. All I care about is that I’m proud of me. I’m working through just what this means, how I can cultivate it, what’s real and what’s not by way of accurate assessment of self and accomplishment that feels filling and not temporary. Accomplishment that reverberates. A lot of times what elicits pride seems shallow or short-lived or external. Always a number. I’m always reaching for a pace, or a finishing time, though I know, when I get there, because I will, I’ll find another number. But, I also know that when you don’t let people in on your journey, you’re denying them of something. The only way I’ve been able to wrestle this down, is by seeing it from this lens – that I am denying my friends, teammates and family the opportunity to support, and in doing so, am selfish. A sort of reverse psychology on the self.

I wrestled with it by saying, No, No, Yes. When Alyson offered to be crew chief, to wake up at 4:00 am on a Sunday, to drive Nikki and I to the Scotiabank ½ in Vancouver, BC. A saint. Also, the reason why we started Bellingham Distance Project. Because of women like this. We had chosen this race as a team months ago, with I teetering on the edge, never quite sure how I’ll bounce back from the DH Run at Ski to Sea. I’m also a chronic over-doer, leave-my-race-in-the-workout kind of a-hole, so…to combat that I got a stern lecture from Nikki, who encouraged me into a very necessary base phase leading into Scotia. The last year has been hit or miss, in the land of plateau, and a reset was important. It’s hard to go into a race that you respect and want to do well at, without “purposeful” training towards it, or sharpening workouts, but it was also thrilling. It’s exciting to play with the thought, “What can I do with this base?” Or, “Is there magic in me?” Meaning, I got to forgo all that specific, anal attentiveness to numbers and simply race with no expectations.

The experience of Scotia was sensory. It’s surprising I didn’t actually get closer to a personal best, because I was so present. Fully. Close to that flow, that zen they talk about (i.e. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi). I wore a HR monitor to gather data to use in the buildup to the Bellingham Bay Marathon, and taped my watch so that I would be more in tune with my body, and present. It was,

Start soft, in control, aware of the down but more aware of the upI’m warm, though I’m barely wearing clothes, let’s follow the beautiful F5’s lead and saturate the skull with cold water at each aid
This slow incline suits me, I have no idea why
You can tune out, listen to their breath, look at the patterns of shade on the road
You can tune out, forget these early miles; remember tune out really means tune inward
You can sit here for a few seconds, but don’t only use her, help her
Match stride, help her to feel like we’re connected, effortless in the gathered effort
Thoughts of and to Nikki, who I want to feel empowered from this experience
Her breathing is becoming more labored, a hitch in the stride; but we’re having fun, I want her to stay
Loosen the clasp of your fists, delicate thumb to fingertips
It’s warm; “warm” is a less damaging word than “hot”
We’re halfway, and I’m happy, Gu me – chocolate – the easiest it’s ever gone down
Drop shoulders, loosen arms
My legs feel strong despite a few pulses of electric fatigue along the calves
The bottoms of my feet are sore – hot pavement or inordinate amount of mileage on the ST’s?
Burrard Bridge kind of blows, but I loved that slow incline in the beginning, so I can love this one too
This guy is helping me stay honest
This is the longest k of my life, I’m doing that ugly jutting chin thing
“Do I have this?” “Just race!”
Finish line – That’s a surprise of a time; felt much harder than that
Let’s be thankful and acknowledge the heat
Cold water over head, a bottle down, pink as a pig on a spit

Al, who is ever upbeat and full in ecstatic energy helped fill my well. Hawk-eyeing in towards the finish, waiting for Nikki to come through; somehow we missed her. We did not miss incredible feats of projectile hot yellow vomit and a man drop to his knees a few feet from the finish line, only to be picked up by volunteers and helped across. Nikki would run her second fastest ½ time after having spent the last year solely focused on the trail marathon-50k distances, gaining vert as opposed to pounding pavement. If anyone deserved to have a good day, to prove to herself how powerful and multi-talented she is – talented as well as hard-working and not just one or the other – it was Nikki at Scotia.

Results: Nikki was 3rd in her age group and 11th F; I was 3rd F to the incredibly talented Dayna Pidhoresky (1:18:10) and Lyndsey Tessier (1:17:00).

After the race Al and Nikki were kind enough to let me buy a whole new wardrobe on Robson, even leaving to get me a toasted sandwich and a water to make sure I was fueled, because I was that intense about shopping. We stopped in to listen to a few minutes of Vancouver’s Jazz Festival off Robson, happening upon Ariel Pocock on piano, a North Carolina-based musician influenced by Cuban and Brazilian folk music, with hybrid vocals the likes of Spektor and Jones.

I am obsessed with Pacific Road Runners, BC Athletics and Canada Running Series, namely with Clifton, Maurice, Karen, Steve and on! Each of them, their races, their community involvement, the efficiency and organization of their events, and their support of Bellingham Distance Project blows my mind. I couldn’t be more thankful. From the simple gesture of handing a bottle of water at the finish line and directing me with a kind voice to the tents for coffee, pastries, yogurt parfait and a private porto, to the awards, where the female presenter clutches my hips because that’s where her head reaches, and says, “Oh I have to stand on my tippy toes,” to which I say, “You’re perfect. I love your height,” to the live band with the girl in white hotpants, to talking to the humble and incredible Canadian greats, Dayna and my girl crush Catherine, it’s just the most soul-filling experience to race in BC.